August 13, 2013: Acceptance

Stella is home. She is with our beautiful family, in our beautiful house, in our beautiful yishuv, in our beautiful country.

She is not giving up the fight, and we do still believe that miracles are possible. However, it is becoming clear that we are reaching the end of what modern medicine can do for her. We are in a new phase now.

Here is what Stella wants people to know:

Everything is in Hashem’s (God’s) hands. I don’t know when my time will be, but I’m not going to miss the opportunity to tell the people I love in my life how much they mean to me. I’ve been blessed with an incredible life. I have the love and support of family and friends around me. I do not lack for anything. I have been blessed with a wonderful family and the absolute best friends one could ever have. From my Japanese-American upbringing to my conversion to our move to Israel, my life has been an incredible adventure. It’s been a full life. I have no regrets.

And now for me:

As the situation has declined this week, I have felt waves of powerful emotions. I have been angry enough that I have literally seen red. I scream at the sky and wave clenched fists at an unseen enemy. I rage that the love of my life has been in intense pain while I stand by, powerless to make any difference.

Other times, I have felt sad and depressed. It feels like a crushing weight is on my shoulders, and I can hardly stand. I listen to a sad song and from the first chords of the guitar, the tears start to roll. I think of my children and how they must feel seeing their mother become so sick. I can do little else but hug my dog and wait until the feeling passes.

And I have felt terror. The terror of comprehending trying to live and raise a family without my best friend and soulmate at my side. A terror so bad that I shake and sweat and get sick to my stomach thinking what is really unthinkable.

BUT – last night I felt none of these emotions. I felt nothing but love. If possible, we have become even closer. As close as two humans could ever be to one another. We can sit and hold hands and feel love for hours. We will continue to face whatever happens as one. Like Stella, I also have no regrets.

My whole life right now, every second, is to try and focus on the love and that closeness and keep the anger, the sadness, and the fear at bay. Nothing else matters but to make her feel as comfortable and loved as possible.

For all our friends who have been so concerned and so wanting to help. I thank you and tell you that yes, we will need your help. We will let you know.

Stella is on some very heavy medication and not always able to see visitors. Yet when she is up, she does want to see people. She also appreciates e-mails and to the extent she can, tries to respond. So e-mail her or me or leave a comment on Facebook or the blog. We read everything.

Most of the time, I don’t mind talking about the situation. In fact, it can be helpful for me to do so. So don’t feel you need to keep your distance. If I can’t talk, don’t worry. I’ll let you know.

And while I can’t even begin to think philosophically about prayer and religion, and God — I do know that I continue to believe your prayers will do some good. So thank you and please continue.

May we all cherish every moment that we are able to live and love.

Leave a Reply