October 4, 2012: I Didn’t Want to Write This

I didn’t want to write this post.

I hoped I never would have to write anything of the sort. I had dreamed and occasionally let myself believe that the cancer movie was over for good. I could release the army and remove Stella’s name from prayer lists. We could just go about with our lives as before, with a whole lot more understanding of the value of every minute of every day, plus an appreciation of how many people out there love Stella almost as much as I do.

Can’t I just post articles from the Onion instead of cancer updates?

No. I can’t.

The fucking cancer has returned.

Stella will have to restart chemotherapy after the holidays.

Needless to say, everyone except Stella is in a world of hurt right now. Stella is taking the news in stride and telling us all not to worry. She has been cooking for Shabbat and trying to re-arrange her work schedule.

I am trying to break myself out of the shock and dust off our “How to Fight Cancer” manuals that we thought we had put away for good.

And now, I am going to go try and find a punching bag so I can write the word “cancer” on it and beat the crap out of it.

I don’t like cursing. I don’t like how swear words sound when spoken or look when written. I don’t like when a four letter word pops into one of the songs I’m listening to while working out.

But you know…

Sometimes there just aren’t enough legitimate words to express what I’m feeling.

Since I already broke the rules with nasty language, I will do so once more.


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