August 10, 2011: It Hurts

I know it’s the chemo and not the cancer, but it is so painful to see Stella suffering. This cycle has been really bad so far. I sit holding her hand and just wish there was something else I could do for her.

Sorry, but this is not going to be one of those upbeat positive entries. In many ways, it is easier to write about hope and battling cancer than to actually watch someone doing so. I look at her beautiful face and think of all the smiles and laughs we have shared. I know, I know — this is not an urgent crisis, it’s just part of the chemo cycle and within a few days she will be up and about, walking the dog as the sun comes up, and going to work.

But I don’t really know.

I’m scared.

You know, of course I have loved Stella for over twenty years. But this may sound corny, but maybe I didn’t even know what love was until now.

I would do anything, anything at all to get her better.

Maybe the problem is that Stella NEVER gets sick…. or at least she never admits it. So the bottom line is that I have never seen her suffer like this. And it shocks me senseless.

Come on, it’s just the side effects of the chemo, right? I’m over-reacting, right?

Please G-d, heal her. Do it without the suffering.

I am not angry at G-d, No.

How can I be angry at G-d who made me and Stella meet, fall in love, and have such a wonderful marriage? I have had the most amazing life with this amazing person. Am I greedy for wanting….demanding more?

O.K., she just woke up. So maybe she will feel better.

Thanks for listening.


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